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Sunday, October 19, 2014

Lady Bird Johnson and Burning Love

One way to love a Texas garden is to burn it. Encourages the growth of wild AbutiIon. I learned that from the Lady Bird Johnson Wildflower Center.

The Wild Flower Center at Texas State University seems a fitting memorial to a First Lady who was a committed environmentalist. I found my way to the Wildflower Center because I was doing some research at the National Archives. 

This is a photograph of the Texas Indian Mallow or Abutilon fruticosum

Lady Bird Johnson left us her recipe for Texas Style Chili. Now that is some burning love because her recipe was “almost as popular as the government pamphlet on the care and feeding of children.” I love the National Archives. Send them some burning love.







Sunday, August 24, 2014

Ms. Mary Walker's Green Tomato Chutney

I know that I am not the only gardener in Pennsylvania gazing at a bumper crop of tomatoes. Ms. Walker has been kind enough to share her recipe for Green Tomato Chutney with me.

You can learn more about Ms. Walker, British expatriate HERE. 
Unconditional surrender of Europe occurred on my 11th birthday and, in the evening my dad suggested that we ‘go for a walk’. My sister warned that we would be late for the curfew. My Dad simply answered – “It’s such a nice evening, I don’t think we’re going to worry about that tonight”. Cat’s Whisker receivers WORKED! 
Mi casa su casa. So I am sharing it with you, Cher Reader. I give it to you as she gave it to me. Stay tuned for her recipe for Garlic Jam. When Ms. Mary said Garlic Jam, I began to salivate immediately.

GREEN TOMATO CHUTNEY

5 lbs chopped green tomatoes
1 lb chopped onions
1 tsp whole peppercorns
1 tsp salt
1 lb sugar
1-1/2 cups vinegar (I use either white wine vinegar or cider vinegar)
1/4 cup raisins
1/4 cup sultanas

Mix tomatoes, onions and peppercorns in a large bowl and let sit overnight (covered)
Bring vinegar and sugar to a boil (until sugar is melted) 
Add sultanas and raisins and simmer for 5 minutes
Add tomatoes and onion mixture and simmer till thick (about 40 to 45 minutes).
Put into 8 oz jars - leaving about 1/4inch head-space - and can for 15 minutes.

Saturday, August 9, 2014

Portagee Joe's Cafe Shrimp Bisque

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This recipe comes from Eggs I Have Known by Corinne Griffith. It was Miss Griffith's Coconut Bars that so delighted Clark Gable. I write about those elsewhere. Of course, this cookbook is out of print.

I have not yet made this bisque. I am going down to the Italian Market to get the shrimp today. I expect this dish to be delicious. I give it to you verbatim. Old cookbooks are low on directions. And I do not think this movie star actually ever cooked anything. We shall see. Nip and tuck.

Portagee Joe's Cafe was one of the small cafes which could be found along Fisherman's Wharf in 1950's Monterey California.

Portagee Joe's Shrimp Bisque

1 tablespoon Celery (chopped fine)
3 tablespoons Butter
2 cups Milk
1 cup cooked Shrimp (mashed fine)
1 wineglass Sherry
1 tablespoon Onion (chopped fine)
3 tablespoons Flour
3 cups Cream
1/4 teaspoon Salt
Paprika

Cook Celery and Onion in Butter over a slow fire for 5 minutes. Place in a double boiler and cook over hot water. Add flour. Add Milk, 2 cups Cream and put remaining 1 cup of Cream aside. Cook mixture until thickened. Add Shrimp, Salt and one drop of Tabasco Sauce (approximately) and reheat. Now whip remaining cup of Cream, add Sherry to Cream and Paprika. Remove soup from stove. Add whipped Cream and stir. Serves Six.


Monday, July 14, 2014

Ms. Mary Walker's Cucumber Soup

This is cucumber season. We are inundated with them. What to do? Make this delicious Cucumber Soup. I give it to you verbatim - straight from Ms. Walker's keyboard.
A note from Ms. Walker:
It's not my recipe. It comes from a 'Marks and Spencer' (British Dept. Store) cookbook called 'St. Michael's Cookery Book' - published in 1980, which I picked up at a flea market when I was visiting relatives a few years ago.

I don't need credit - but it you want to publish it and allot credit, it should be the original 'St. Michael's Cookery Book' by Jeni Wright..
Chilled Cucumber Soup
(VERY British)

2 tblsp butter for frying
1 onion (about 2inch) finely chopped
1 European cucumber diced (WITH skin and seeds - which is why it should be a European)
1-1/2 tblsp flour
20 oz hot milk
10 oz chicken stock
Salt and pepper to taste
1/2 tsp ground nutmeg
And to finish - 1/2 pint heavy cream
chopped fresh mint
green food coloring - if desired

In 3 or 4 quart saucepan - saute onion and cucumber in butter - then cover and cook gently for about 5 minutes

Stir in flour and cook for a further 2 or 3 minutes - stirring constantly

Remove pan from heat and gradually stir in hot milk - stir thoroughly. Stir in the stock and return to heat. Bring to gentle simmer - stirring frequently. Season with salt and pepper and nutmeg

Lower heat - 'half cover' so steam can escape - and simmer very gently for about 20 minutes - stirring occasionally. Be sure it doesn't stick or burn.

Puree with an electric 'stick' blender or in a food processor. Should be consistency of heavy cream!

Allow to cool before refrigerating. Serve chilled with cream and mint - if desired. OR - in the winter I serve it hot with croutons. YUMMMMM!

Let me know what you think. I usually make a double batch so I can share with neighbors.
When cucumbers are in season and available I usually make the onion/cucumber sauté 'base' and freeze it until I'm ready to make soup - which is what I used this morning.

NOTE: If European cucumbers aren't available - you can use regular cukes BUT you would need to peel and seed them - so you would need 2 or 3 to equal one European.
Good Luck.

Monday, April 21, 2014

Ghetto Garden Fabulous

My New Fig among the Daffodils
My house is an HUD house I bought as a veritable shell a decade ago. I have had to dedicate any money I had to serious repairs like putting in a heating system and erecting a front door.

I love to garden. However, my garden gets the least investment in terms of capital available. Nevertheless, I have turned it from hard packed clay with a scraggly lawn I had to mow to its present state.

I scavenged antique bricks from old house and we made a walk. Who wants a lawn to mow? Not me. I use fallen tree branches to make garden beds. I use chunks of cement. I scavenge fallen leaves that others bag up for compost.

I write a lot about garden design here. Even so, I did not realize quite what I was doing until my Daughter suggested I get some nicer paving stones on a trip to the garden store. I recoiled. And I was not sure why. I mean, I just spent $50.00 on new fig trees.

And then the light dawned. I like the scavenging. Saves money so I can indulge in fig trees. It is a challenge. I just did not know it was a design theme. I scavenged every single one of those Iris and in another few weeks they will be glorious. I have the Herbs in and my Blueberries are doing fine.

My garden theme is Ghetto Fabulous. Example is the old ladder. It is a bean tower. I think it will be beautiful. We shall see. God bless my Daughter. Eventually she will whip me into shape. One way or another. Kind of like my garden.

Sunday, March 16, 2014

Adopt a Penguin

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Calling all Knitters. Sick Penguins need sweaters. Knit and purl, Darlings. 

For those wishing to donate a jumper, the island’s Penguin Foundation has created a handy knitting pattern guide. "Jumper" is Australian for sweater. 

If you cannot knit, send a bit of money. They probably need the gelt more than they need the jumpers. "Gelt" is Yiddish for money or treasure. Just my opinion. Money is always in good taste. 


If you love Penguins as much as I do, consider making a trip to see the Penquin Parade. Failing that, knitting a Penguin Sweater is a great way to pass knitting knowledge to a new generation and teach love of nature and geography. Get busy. Be Happy!

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Friday, February 14, 2014

1932 Rice Muffins

We have been making all sorts of muffins when snowed in and out of loaf bread. Recipe experimentation is dangerous. We added Cranberries to homemade Corn Muffins in a fit of foody fancy. The muffins were really good. And we have gone sort of muffin mad.

This recipe comes from Things You Have Always Wanted to Know About Cooking by Margaret Mitchell. The cookbook was published and printed in silver ink by The Aluminum Cooking Utensil Company in 1932. My particular copy was given away as a courtesy by Lit Brothers in Philadelphia.

I type the recipe verbatim. It makes a lovely muffin with an interesting crumb. Graphic Artists may find the illustrations and typefaces a pleasure to look at and utilize.

"Rice Muffins are among the best of their kind and are made thus: Sift together two and one half cups of flour, 5 teaspoons of baking powder, 3 tablespoons sugar, one half teaspoon of salt. Beat one egg and add one half cup of milk and three tablespoon of melted shortening, or oil, and stir into dry ingredients. Into one half cup of milk put one half cup of cold boiled rice, and stir well. Add to mixture, mix well and bake in an oven at 375 degrees Fahrenheit for 20 minutes."

Sunday, January 26, 2014

Keep the Heating Bill Down


I repeat this article because it is COLD today in Philadelphia. These are a few simple steps to conserve heat and energy. I have a small house. If you have a large house, your savings could be substantial.

  1. On a chilly day, walk around your home and check doors and windows for drafts. The easiest way to do this is to run a damp hand slowly around the openings and frame, hovering two or three inches away. When you feel cold air hitting your hand, you've found a draft! Apply weatherstripping to both sides of the opening, or caulk around the frame. Both steps might be necessary to stop all drafts.
     
  2. Reconsider your window coverings. Up to 50% of your home's heat can go right out the window… literally! Of course, triple-pane storm windows do a better job of keeping heat indoors, but remember that all windows transfer heat. You can save energy by installing shades or shutters to lock that chill outside.
     
  3. Your computer and peripherals consume a lot of energy, so turn them off when not in use. Even when turned off, like most appliances, computers and peripherals still sip away at your power. To turn them entirely off, connect the devices to a power strip so that after shut down, you can flip a switch to ensure they are truly off.
     
  4. Upgrade your light bulbs. If you're still using standard incandescents, you're paying too much to the electric company. Start with the lights you use the most. Try a few different types to see what type works best for you. LEDs offer the most energy savings, but also cost the most. CFLs are fairly economical, but might not do well in dimmer fixtures and can take a few minutes to warm up. Halogens are an advanced type of incandescent that emit pretty white light and turn on immediately, but they are the least energy efficient of three. See the pros and cons.
     
  5. Give your furnace a bit of TLC. Start by replacing the filters and replace them every four to six weeks during the winter. If you have exposed ducts, wrapping them in insulation will help, too. If it's been a few years since a service call, you might want to schedule an inspection to make sure your furnace is operating at peak efficiency.
     
  6. Close off rarely used rooms. Close off any heater vents in the room and use a draft-blocker or even weatherstripping to seal out drafts.
     
  7. Treat everybody in the house to new, cozy "evening" attire. A fresh set of warm slippers, cozy bathrobes and warm pajamas will help you and your family stay warm and toasty without adding a dime to your energy bill. With everyone warmed by their own body heat, you may even be able to drop the thermostat a degree or few!
     
  8. Use your ceiling fan. In the chilly months of winter, a ceiling fan set to draw air up will help circulate heat that gathers on your ceiling. For most fans, you'll find the direction control on the base, and clockwise is usually the correct direction to draw air up from the floor.
     
  9. Use a portable heater. You could set your furnace to a lower temperature to prevent your home from feeling like an icebox, and use portable heaters to make up the difference in whatever room you're currently using. Try to find a heater with enough power to warm the largest room in your home.
     
  10. Let the sunshine in. Even though it might not feel like it through the chilly air, the sun's rays beaming through your windows will help warm your home for free. Plus, it'll help to keep the winter blues away and brighten your home! Once the sun goes away, cover your windows with energy-efficient shades, drapes or shutters to retain the heat.

Thursday, January 16, 2014

Pie for Breakfast!


"I like Pie." - President Barack Obama

Every culture has both savory and sweet dishes wrapped in pastry. In my opinion, Pie reached its apotheosis in America.

Although apple pies have been eaten since long before the European colonisation of the Americas, "as American as apple pie" is a saying in the United States, meaning "typically American." In the nineteenth and twentieth centuries, apple pie became a symbol of American prosperity and national pride. A newspaper article published in 1902 declared that "No pie-eating people can be permanently vanquished." There are claims that the Apple Marketing Board of New York State used such slogans as "An apple a day keeps the doctor away." Pie Town, New Mexico is named in honour of the apple pie. - wikipedia

I recommend the best Pie cookbook I know: Jame's McNair's Pie Cookbook.

The recipes are precise. The illustrations of pastry technique take the mystery out of Pastry. You can buy a copy (new or used, paperback or hardcover). The hardcover edition is out of print and can be pricey. I read cookbooks like novels. James McNair is the best of food writers and he does some mean book design. McNair's Cherry Cream Pie will knock your socks off. Yummy.

Tuesday, January 14, 2014

The FLU - do not get it.

All operations hereby suspended. 
I cannot think I feel so bad. 
Back soon.

Cartoon 1918

The poster above was created by one of the nation’s most famous cartoonists, Clifford K. Berryman. Find more government health posters and cartoons and learn about the Influenza Pandemic of 1918  HERE.


Saturday, December 21, 2013

Pipe Dreams in the Garden

Author: Vinay Magadi

"I am a resident of Bangalore. I graduated from Christ College, Bangalore (now Christ University) in 1989 with botany and zoology as my subjects.

In my childhood, we had a huge garden and all that we wanted, we grew in the garden. I had to shift to terrace gardening due to lack of space in our current residence.

I have grown a wide variety of vegetables like Maize, Kidney beans, ChowChow, Bush beans, Purple beans, Tomatoes, Cherry tomatoes, brinjals of different varieties, various greens, amorphophallus, Okra etc. in the terrace successfully."

Today I can say that with my pipe garden I can grow 14-22 vegetable plants in a footprint of 1 square foot.

You can read more and see more photographs at the links. I am going to try this for Strawberries. 

Wednesday, December 18, 2013

Edible Cities

Edible Cities is a new book about gardening in unusual urban spaces. New to me that is. It is out in a paperback edition.

You can have fresh Herbs, Fruits and Vegetables without pesticides and with fabulous flavor. You can have them if the only space you have to garden is a sunny window, a wall, a balcony or an abandoned building next door.

Trust me, your own homegrown Oregano will have a flavor that is intoxicating. Fresh or dried, your Oregano will surpass any dusty commercial pulverized Oregano you can buy in the supermarkets. I thought I did not like Oregano.

Did you know that it is easy to grow Mushrooms at home? Oh the possibilities are many and fascinating.

Inside the book you will find:
• Principles of permaculture
• Worldwide examples of urban gardening projects
• Ideas for flats and balconies
• Green roofs
• Vertical gardening and urban beekeeping
• Guerrilla gardening and successful community projects
• Illustrated practical techniques with clear instructions
Scorzonera
A few plants that will grow in a sunny window:

Watercress (Nasturtium officinale)
Mustard cress (Lepidium sativum)
Swiss chard (Beta vulgaris ssp. vulgaris)
New Zealand spinach (Tetragonia tetragonoides)
Parsley (Petroselinium crispum)
Peppermint (Mentha piperita)
Lettuce (Lactuca sative)
Scorzonera (Scorzonera hispanica)

Sunday, December 15, 2013

Art from Broken Things

I collect vintage China, Serving Pieces and Kitchen Tools. I have chipped plates that have lovely 1935 borders. I have been historically unable to part with them. Now I see my hoarding and the condition of my basement is not entirely insane. A link to the artist's website can be found below:




Thursday, December 12, 2013

What a bunch of PLARN!

PLARN is yarn made from the plastic bags we are all inundated with. I am green. I carry a cloth shopping bag. No matter what I do, I get plastic bags. Everything seems wrapped in plastic.

There is a way to put those bags to use and out of the landfill and out of the Ocean. Make them into yarn and crochet them into utility. 

Just google "PLARN" and lots of articles and photographs and videos about this new FREE yarn turn up. Some folks are making sleeping mats for the homeless. Some folks are making flowers and shopping bags and good looking rugs.




Monday, November 18, 2013

Neighborhood Infusions - Fallen Fruit Park Update


UPDATE: I did more research about Fallen Fruit artists cooperative. I think the ongoing INFUSIONS project is fascinating. These projects are a new frontier for this Community Artist.
An ongoing project by Fallen Fruit, in collaboration with Greenbar collective in which we pick the fruit we find on a certain street or locale, infuse it in vodka, and name it for the neighborhood.  We’re interested in the essence of that place, to think about its unique qualities but also look at it as a template for creating more livable and individualized neighborhoods. The question Neighborhood Infusions asks is tinged with irony: can you capture the essence of a place in a bottle?  The work is served off the wall by docents (rather than bartenders), who take time to interpret its implications for those interested in consuming it.

I found the City Farmer News website. It seems to be The Blog about urban farming. Those with an interest must go there. I found this new work of art there - a Fruit Park. I have been envisioning turning the many pocket parks in Philadelphia into mini fruit farms. I cheered when I saw that I am not alone in my thinking, planning, plotting ...

Grand Opening On Saturday, January 5, 2013 At Del Aire Park
Press Release
Dec 26, 2012
The trees were planted with the support of the Los Angeles County Arts Commission Civic Art Program and the guidance of Fallen Fruit, an artists’ collaborative founded by David Burns, Matias Viegener and Austin Young, whose mission is to unite communities through the creation of sustainable public art projects. Del Aire residents planted 27 fruit trees, eight grape vines, more than 60 trees were given away to neighbors. Once the trees bear fruit, all park visitors will be encouraged to pick from the new edible landscape at harvest time. Within three years, the trees are expected to be completely sustainable and drought tolerant.

The Fruit Park, which was funded through a creative use of county civic art dollars, is part of a lTarger plan by Chairman Ridley-Thomas to see community gardens planted in every unincorporated area in the Second District. So far, new gardens have been established in Florence-Firestone and Lennox, and locations and funding have been identified for gardens planned for Willowbrook, Athens and Baldwin Hills.



Thursday, November 14, 2013

Ms. Sadie Dell's Chicken Curry to Make at Home

I think of Sadie Dell's Chicken Curry as British Soul Food. Take Out Indian food is as common in London as Take Out Fish and Chips. This is a delicious easy Curry. I give it to you as Sadie Dell wrote it.

Curried Chicken to Make at Home

1/2 cup unbleached all purpose Flour
Salt and Pepper
3 boneless whole Chicken breasts halved
5 tablespoons unsalted Butter
1 medium Onion
2 cloves Garlic
2 Red Peppers, seeded and diced
3 tablespoons best quality Curry Powder
1 can stewed Tomatoes
1 can Coconut Milk
a dash of Tabasco Sauce
a dash of Worcestershire Sauce
1/2 cup Currants or Raisins

Gather up all the ingredients and preheat your oven to 350 degrees. Finely chop the Onion and mince the Garlic cloves. Seed and dice the Red Peppers.

Season the Flour with Salt and Pepper and lightly coat Chicken with the mixture. Heat 3 tablespoons Butter in a skillet over medium heat, add chicken and lightly brown on all sides. Remove the chicken. 

Add the remaining 2 tablespoons Butter to the skillet and melt over medium heat. Add Onion, Garlic and Peppers and saute, stirring frequently until the Veggies are soft (5 to 7 minutes). Stir in the Curry Powder and cook 2 minutes longer. 

Place Veggies and Chicken in a casserole dish. Combine the Coconut Milk with Tabasco and Worcestershire Sauces, Currants and stewed Tomatoes. Add the Coconut Milk mixture to the Chicken and Veggies. Bake for 30 minutes.

Sunday, November 10, 2013

Aunt Lola's Meatloaf

Years ago, Dear Abby published a Meat Loaf recipe that she billed as "the best."  Aunt Lola has got her recipe beat 9 ways to Sunday dinner. The secret is the topping. Try this recipe. It is simple and delicious. And you do not have to buy that expensive too salty onion soup mix to get flavor. 

Aunt Lola Lease's Meatloaf

Ingredients:

2/3 cup Bread Crumbs
1 cup liquid (milk, stock, or water)
1 and 1/2 pounds Ground Beef
1/4 cup chopped Onion
2 Eggs, beaten
1 teaspoon Salt

Topping Ingredients:

6 tablespoons Brown Sugar
2 teaspoons Dry Mustard
1/2 cup Catsup

Preheat your oven to 350 degrees. Beat the Eggs and then add the Liquid, Salt, Onions and Bread Crumbs. Mix a bit. Add the Meat. Mix again. Form into a loaf. Mix topping ingredients and spread over the meat. Bake for 45 minutes.

Note: I never make this with Milk. I use Stock or Water. I reduce the Brown Sugar to half. For best results mince onions finely.

Children like this a lot. And it slices well for Meat Loaf Sandwiches. Sure, you can add all sorts of embellishments like minced Green Pepper or a little Worcestershire Sauce in the Topping but why gild a Lily? 

Saturday, November 9, 2013

Ms. Sadie Dell's English Pickled Red Cabbage

http://www.ufseeds.com/Red-Acre-Cabbage-Seeds.item
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"We always had a jar of Pickled Red Cabbage to go with any meat at a meal sitting on the dining room table. Makes 3 one pound jars.

Red Cabbage Pickle

1 large Red Cabbage
Salt
2 1/2 cups Vinegar
1 tablespoon Pickling Spice
2 teaspoons Dry Mustard Powder

Quarter the Cabbage and rinse. Cut out the thick centre stalk. Shred the Cabbage finely, place in a very large flat dish and sprinkle with Salt. Leave to stand in a cool place for at least 24 hours. Drain the Cabbage in a colander thoroughly, then pack it into clean jars. Boil the Vinegar, Spice and Mustard for 5 minutes, then leave until cold and remove the Spices. Pour over the Cabbage in the jars and seal or cover." - Sadie the Brit. 

Editor's Note: Sadie the Brit has her own LABEL. Look in the LABELS in the left margin to find more of her recipes. I think you could add a tablespoon of Mustard Seed instead of the Dry Mustard Powder.
COMING SOON: Sadie's Almond Cake, Chicken Curry and English Cottage Pie. Stay tuned.


Friday, October 25, 2013

Wild Garden Art

"Gardening is not a rational act. What matters is the immersion of the hands in the earth, that ancient ceremony of which the Pope kissing the tarmac is merely a pallid vestigial remnant. In the spring, at the end of the day, you should smell like dirt." - Margaret Atwood

I am Italian. I love formal gardens like the gardens of the Villa d'Este. I saw many formal gardens in Europe. They are lovely, grand, spacious and orderly. I look at them long and long.

I love to walk through a formal garden. I would not want to live and garden in one. All that order and grandeur would then make me uncomfortable. At home, I like a little more whimsey and disorder.

In my own garden, I am far from formal and orderly. I thought I would share some wild, funny, creative garden art with you. Maybe one of these ideas will spark some crazy garden art plans in you.

Think color. Think found materials. Be bold and silly. Please yourself.
"Doesn't matter what you do, or how you do it, your neighbors are gonna talk about you anyway." - Felder Rushing





Thursday, October 24, 2013

F. Scott Fitzgerald Talks Turkey

I found this in Fitzgerald’s 1945 collection of essays, notebook excerpts, and letters, The Crack-Up

TURKEY REMAINS AND HOW TO INTER THEM WITH NUMEROUS SCARCE RECIPES

At this post holiday season, the refrigerators of the nation are overstuffed with large masses of turkey, the sight of which is calculated to give an adult an attack of dizziness. It seems, therefore, an appropriate time to give the owners the benefit of my experience as an old gourmet, in using this surplus material. Some of the recipes have been in my family for generations. (This usually occurs when rigor mortis sets in.) They were collected over years, from old cook books, yellowed diaries of the Pilgrim Fathers, mail order catalogues, golf-bags and trash cans. Not one but has been tried and proven — there are headstones all over America to testify to the fact.

Very well then. Here goes:

Turkey Cocktail: To one large turkey add one gallon of vermouth and a demijohn of angostura bitters. Shake.

Turkey à la Francais: Take a large ripe turkey, prepare as for basting and stuff with old watches and chains and monkey meat. Proceed as with cottage pudding.

Turkey and Water: Take one turkey and one pan of water. Heat the latter to the boiling point and then put in the refrigerator. When it has jelled, drown the turkey in it. Eat. In preparing this recipe it is best to have a few ham sandwiches around in case things go wrong.

Turkey Mongole: Take three butts of salami and a large turkey skeleton, from which the feathers and natural stuffing have been removed. Lay them out on the table and call up some Mongole in the neighborhood to tell you how to proceed from there.

Turkey Mousse: Seed a large prone turkey, being careful to remove the bones, flesh, fins, gravy, etc. Blow up with a bicycle pump. Mount in becoming style and hang in the front hall.

Stolen Turkey: Walk quickly from the market, and, if accosted, remark with a laugh that it had just flown into your arms and you hadn’t noticed it. Then drop the turkey with the white of one egg—well, anyhow, beat it.

Turkey à la Crême: Prepare the crême a day in advance. Deluge the turkey with it and cook for six days over a blast furnace. Wrap in fly paper and serve.

Turkey Hash: This is the delight of all connoisseurs of the holiday beast, but few understand how really to prepare it. Like a lobster, it must be plunged alive into boiling water, until it becomes bright red or purple or something, and then before the color fades, placed quickly in a washing machine and allowed to stew in its own gore as it is whirled around. Only then is it ready for hash. To hash, take a large sharp tool like a nail-file or, if none is handy, a bayonet will serve the purpose—and then get at it! Hash it well! Bind the remains with dental floss and serve.

Feathered Turkey: To prepare this, a turkey is necessary and a one pounder cannon to compel anyone to eat it. Broil the feathers and stuff with sage-brush, old clothes, almost anything you can dig up. Then sit down and simmer. The feathers are to be eaten like artichokes (and this is not to be confused with the old Roman custom of tickling the throat.)

Turkey à la Maryland: Take a plump turkey to a barber’s and have him shaved, or if a female bird, given a facial and a water wave. Then, before killing him, stuff with old newspapers and put him to roost. He can then be served hot or raw, usually with a thick gravy of mineral oil and rubbing alcohol. (Note: This recipe was given me by an old black mammy.)

Turkey Remnant: This is one of the most useful recipes for, though not, “chic,” it tells what to do with the turkey after the holiday, and how to extract the most value from it. Take the remnants, or, if they have been consumed, take the various plates on which the turkey or its parts have rested and stew them for two hours in milk of magnesia. Stuff with moth-balls.

Turkey with Whiskey Sauce: This recipe is for a party of four. Obtain a gallon of whiskey, and allow it to age for several hours. Then serve, allowing one quart for each guest. The next day the turkey should be added, little by little, constantly stirring and basting.

For Weddings or Funerals: Obtain a gross of small white boxes such as are used for bride’s cake. Cut the turkey into small squares, roast, stuff, kill, boil, bake and allow to skewer. Now we are ready to begin. Fill each box with a quantity of soup stock and pile in a handy place. As the liquid elapses, the prepared turkey is added until the guests arrive. The boxes delicately tied with white ribbons are then placed in the handbags of the ladies, or in the men’s side pockets.

There I guess that’s enough turkey talk. I hope I’ll never see or hear of another until—well, until next year..